I chose Bitcoin maximalism because I got fucked.

I got fucked, like an underage flight attendant on Epstein Airlines. I got fucked so fast I don't even know who fucked me. I fell for the crypto scene and I got fucked for my naivete.

Countless Bitcoin initiates receive their first fucking when they find crypto. Crypto is, without a doubt, the easiest way blow your asshole out. Crypto is a den of serpents fucking each other for their own snake oil. It's a colossal crypto graveyard where the night shift manager secretly digs up corpses to have tea parties with before he fucks them to death again.

Trust me, I know. I used to be @CryptoContagion.

I got fucked hard.

I thought I was the smartest guy in the room until I realized it was a studio apartment in Detroit. I played with stonks, options, forex — whatever exotic new flavor I could milk out of the ever expanding Rube-Goldberg Machine Cash Cow we call “the market”. I was a classically overconfident and undereducated investor, chasing gains and yield wherever I went. I was a prime target for bullshit.

That's exactly what crypto feeds on: fucking bullshit. Pure, uncut, unregulated bullshit. I smoked that hopium harder than Hunter Biden smokes crack rocks out of a hooker's asshole. I couldn't get enough, I was hooked, and I had no clue how much danger I was in.

Everyone's a goddamn genius at the beginning of a bull run. Throw a dart, draw a Scrabble piece, or ask fucking Alexa. Just pick a stupid ticker symbol and watch it 10x. 100x. 1000x!

Step right up, folks. Place your bets, pick your poison, and win big with CRYpto!

But they don't tell you how the hotdog is made. Crypto is a poop tube stuffed with putrid shit that nobody would eat if they really knew what was in it. Those fucking founders pay shitcoiners with shitcoins to BRRR shitty shitcoin articles ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

The fuckers fund their own marketing machine with money they create out of thin air. They hold the vast majority of coins, tokens, or cum rockets for themselves and reserve the right to alter the rules whenever they see fit. That's a recipe for a good old fashioned circle jerk and you're not invited.

You're the biscuit.

If a project has a CEO, team, or foundation, those people will fuck you. They'll fuck you as soon as they think they can get away with it. Crypto Brawndo has the ponzinomics that cucks crave!

Not just crypto, but fucking everything. Anything that humans can manipulate gets fucked into oblivion by those with the means, motive, and soulless lack of empathy. Hello LIBOR. Do you blame the savages at the top?

I don't.

If I had the cheat codes, I would fuck up all sorts of shit. Ergo, it's imperative that no person or entity ever holds such power. We can't be fucking trusted. Power goes straight to the ego which then manifests collectively as an oppressive regime or classic exit scam.

Bitcoin has no front man. Nobody knows who Satoshi Nakamoto is. Those who do will take that suspicion to the grave. That's why Bitcoin is so special. There's no king fucktard at the top of the pyramid scheme shitting in the all-you-can-eat buffet. There's no head to hold a gun to if you want to change the rules. When you fall far enough down the shitcoin rabbit blackhole, you come to a singular, obvious, and painful conclusion: you got scammed.

It's all the same assholes, shilling the same shit every cycle: a promise. A promise that tomorrow will pump higher than today... if you only just believe. Believe in the moonshot. Believe the FUD. Believe Bitcoin's not the greatest discovery since cavemen found fire.

Their highly innovative team of shitdevs solved all the problems and made a better blockchain. Faster TPS, stronger consensus, proof of stake, oracles, airdrops, ICOs, DAOs, dApps, DeFi, NFTs.

It's all one big Byzantine fault tolerant, interoperable, Electric Boogaloo 2.

The waves of vaporware come and go as the tide of Bitcoin ebbs and flows. There's no improving on Bitcoin without major negative trade offs between decentralization, security, or scalability. Every single shitcoin has made concessions to compromise one of those three qualities. Bitcoin is the only exception. The foundation was set in stone like the first floor of a cathedral when version 0.1 was released into the wild.

Bitcoin is a cryptographic juggernaut that will absolutely wreck your conceptions of what you think it is. All that's required is a little proof of work. Maximalists tend to provide the highest ratio of signal to noise because we aren't getting paid. We share our Proof of Knowledge for free because knowledge is the only thing that can set us free.

That's why it's paramount to be TOXIC AS FUCK towards shitcoiners, scammers, and charlatans. We found Shangri-La, why would we let crypto cucks dilute it with FuckBoiCoins? Bitcoin is the holy grail of information technology and worthy of being defended with weapon's grade toxicity.

Toxicity is necessary to survive in an adversarial environment. We are the auto-immune defense against bullshit and we're not fucking around. We found the cure, a source code upgrade for human evolution. Anything that stands in the way of this Great Bitcoin Revelation will be labeled a shitcoin and flushed down the toilet as such.

Shitcoiners fuck up the plan for human liberation by promoting scams that enrich founders and VC scum who pull the rug on noobs, who might've otherwise found Bitcoin if they weren't blinded by bullshit. We don't want faster fucking transactions or web9plus. We want to separate money and state!

When the true aim of Bitcoin comes into focus, tens of thousands of shitcoins all blur together into the background. They become as irrelevant as 10,000 fake Satoshis, all trying to comically infect others with their siphilitic delusions of grandeur. When you see Bitcoin, you see the true enemy. It’s not the shitlords of altszn. It's the central banking leviathan that has ensnared the whole world with fiat.

Bitcoin lets us fuck those fuckers harder than they ever fucked us because we'll HODL like psychopaths until they're forced to buy at a price magnitudes higher than today. They are fucked because they don't understand how early we are. Bitcoin is a paradigm shift and they dramatically underestimate HOW TIRED WE ARE OF GETTING FUCKED.

Bitcoin is unfuckable. China can't even fuck it and China fucks EVERYTHING. When you embrace Bitcoin, you can sleep soundly knowing the acolytes of Satoshi keep the fire burning 24/7 no matter how hard the forces of centralization try to fuck it out of existence.

So walk confidently through the valley of crypto death and fear no rug pull, for Satoshi is with you. Do not lament your past crypto transgressions, for the path to maximalism is paved with the bones of shitcoins.

When you find lost shitcoin sheep, be the shepherd back to Bitcoin.

When you find shitcoin scammers, be the noose around their necks.

When you find nocoin non-believers, take pity on their willful ignorance.

Blessed be the Bitcoin haters, for they shall get fucked the hardest of all.